


helpful, not at all necessary

by Koraki



Category: The 39 Clues - Various Authors
Genre: Banter, Cats, Epistolary, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 14:15:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4709000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Koraki/pseuds/Koraki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian has a furry little problem and reluctantly approaches Evan for advice. Evan just wishes this guy would stop spamming his high-priority inbox.</p>
            </blockquote>





	helpful, not at all necessary

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written and published on FFN in 2012 for a prompt series I was filling in the 39 Clues fandom (the prompts weren't fandom-specific, they were off a general writing website). A couple of the vignettes became proper oneshots - here's my favorite of those, written for the prompt "Lily, the cuddly black kitten".
> 
> Nothing after The Medusa Plot should be considered canon. Technically this story takes place within a post-canon, canon-divergent AU.
> 
> original prompt collection is [here](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7979946/)

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, Russia

Tolliver,

Many thanks for the detailed subject line. A simple “Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay” would suffice, however. Please don’t overexert yourself on my account.

The so-called Vesper activity – a rather hasty label to slap onto a possibly trivial suspicion, in my opinion – was duly investigated by several top Lucian agents native to the area. Evidence of a temporary settlement some years ago was discovered, but my agents uncovered nothing activated within the past decade. You may assure your intrepid in-laws that all is well.

One final matter remains to be discussed. I seem to recall that you are somewhat of an expert in the area of _Felis silvestris catus_ , that is, the domestic cat. Your advice on a particular predicament of mine would be most helpful, though not at all necessary.

Sincerely,

Ian Augustus Kabra

.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, Russia

Kabra,

Thanks for telling me that. I’ll be sure to keep it in mind next time I have to contact you. Hopefully that won’t be too soon, even though our conversations are always a pleasure.

Okay, that’s a relief. You may assure your poor broken heart that the Cahills are not, as of yet, my in-laws. There’re still a couple years of college for me and Amy to get through. I’ll be sure to update you anytime we have a squabble so you can swoop in and console the weeping maiden. ;)

Many thanks for the scientific name. A simple “cat” would suffice. What’ve you done to some poor beast this time?

-Evan

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re** : Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, Ru…

Tolliver,

The pleasure of our mutually beneficial interactions over the World Wide Web is all mine, I assure you.

I shall be sure to do so. Please abstain from further use of emotioncons, particularly those that involve corruption of the rightmost half of parentheses. I totally abhor said abominations.

I have done nothing to the wretched creature, as a matter of fact. As usual, it’s actually the other way around. It would seem that one of the horrid beasts has somehow found its way into the ancestral home of Natalie and myself, and has busied itself with the most heinous crimes imaginable. I haven’t seen the animal, personally, but I assure you that there is a surplus of evidence that it is indeed still within my home. If you would care to offer a theory in regards to ridding myself of the menace, you are most welcome to; I’m sure said theory would be erroneous, but I know that you enjoy your petty imaginings, so have at it.

-Ian Augustus Kabra

.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Josef Land, …

That’s “emoticons”, Kabra. I’ll make sure I will, promise. :) :) :) 

You must have done something to offend it, really. Sometimes I think animals just don’t like you. Amusing insults aside, though, exactly what kind of “heinous crimes” is it supposedly committing? It’s probably something like shredding your finest silk boxers. Shame.

-Evan

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Franz Jos…

Oh, I suppose you think that’s amusing, don’t you. Very well. Play your childish emoticon games. I shan’t respond – I consider myself above such things.

Don’t be a prat, Tolliver. I’ll have you know that I’ve sustained wonderful and fulfilling relationships with companion animals. The feline is indeed launching an offensive on my clothing, and I’ll thank you not to comment on the material of which my drawers are made. Your girlfriend’s barely discernible stuttering may be slightly flattering, but I honestly don’t think I can deal with the idea of more than one besotted American dwelling upon mental images of my undergarments “all the live-long day”, as one of your own folk-song writers so quaintly put it.

Proud of my physical appearance though I may be, my clothes are not the greatest problem, Tolliver – and neither are Natalie’s, in the unlikely event that she’s been in contact with you recently and has been feeding you said sob story. In all seriousness, though, I do fear for the safety of some of our antiques. There is evidence that that creature is showing an interest in the fringe of the famed seventeenth century Luke tapestry, for example, and it’s made short work of any ceramics within leaping distance. Your amateur suggestions of ways to deal with this will be scoffed at, but do feel free to send them.

-I. A. K.

P.S. I finally caught the creature on camera. It looks like – and these are honestly the only words that can describe it, Tolliver, so don’t mock me – a black shape with a variegated perimeter. Black shapes with variegated perimeters disgust me. They are reminiscent of the time that a clumsy commoner spilt coffee on my finest white silk suit in the midst of a high-speed chase. It did not wash out. Alas.

.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay, Fran…

Good. You shouldn’t be angry. I was just trolling you a little bit. :)

Sure. Okay. You’ve had “wonderful and fulfilling relationships with companion animals”. Get me some proof and I’ll believe you, Kabra. And those underwear comments? Not mature at all. Do your family (and me) a favor and grow up, please.

I’ve never heard of this famous Luke tapestry. Oh well, must be the inborn stupidity that comes of being a non-Cahill. You should try squirting citrus juice around the items you don’t want the cat to mess with – most cats really hate the smell of it, but most humans like it, so it’s really a win-win situation. It actually doesn’t work on Saladin, although he’s intelligent enough that if you tell him to stay off of something he will.

-Evan

P.S. I don’t really care what it looks like, Ian, but if you decide to keep it you could call it Coffee. 

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikhaya Bay…

_Trolling?_ I am not at all familiar with that term. Have you, perchance, changed your surname to something more fitting? Evan Trolliver…it really does suit you, you know…

Even if I had proof, we both know that you wouldn’t believe me. You would say that I had photoshopped whatever image I provided. In response to your dissuasion with my underwear implications, I’d just like to ask since when does the truth upset poor little Trolliver?

I had no idea that non-Cahills had inborn stupidity, although taking you as a specimen, I would definitely believe it. Surprisingly enough, the citrus juice tip worked, and even more surprisingly I quite like the scent. I don’t suppose you have any idea how to get the little bastard out of my home altogether, though, and as I have already said: if you did you’d most likely be wrong. You certainly are far from the most intelligent person I have had the displeasure of meeting.

-I. A. K.

P.S. I am most certainly not keeping the hoodlum. What sort of a person calls a cat Coffee, anyways? The name suggests that you intend to drink its blood or do something equally ghastly to it. Good Lord, Trolliver – and here I was thinking you appreciated the awful beasties.

.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, Tikha…

That’s very funny, Kabra. If it makes you feel better about your inability to spell, by all means keep calling me that.

You seem to have a low estimation of my morality. That’s very encouraging, really. To be honest, I don’t think I’m the only one involved in this conversation who’s upset by the truth. Which one of us was it, again, who left the room in a huff after Dan complained about frequent nocturnal travels between the bedrooms at the last Cahill reunion? (And I’ll have you know that he actually wasn’t referring to me. Or Amy. Thanks.)

I’m sure you would, knowing your bias against me. What’s really surprising is that I’m still interested in helping you with your ridiculous problem when I should just stop responding and tell you to go find out what Google is. Oh well, I guess I am an idiot. Why don’t you just use your crafty Lucian brain and build a neat little trap for the cat? Try baiting it with fish. Cats absolutely love seafood. Oh yeah – thank you so much for that final debilitating comment. I really needed that.

-Evan

P.S. I was thinking you might grow attached to it. Guess not. And honestly, you’re the only person I’ve ever met who has those feelings about naming a cat after a drink. It’s a very disturbing opinion, actually.

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubini, T…

I shall do so, Trolliver.

Well, with comments like that, you leave no doubt about your own maturity level, do you not? That reunion was two years ago, and I left the room due to a sudden bout of indigestion. I couldn’t care less what you and your girlfriend are doing together, thank you very much – what a sordid suggestion.

In any case, I managed to trap the cat. You most likely don’t believe it, but I did recall that that demonic animal of Amy’s has a strange craving for blue marlin, and procured some of the finest for use in my trap. I didn’t feel the need to design anything terribly complicated, so I simply scaled down a model B99 A-grade bear trap (design exclusive to the branch, obviously) used by some of the Canadian Lucians. It’s actually mostly obsolete by now, but I thought it would do the trick quite nicely, as its purpose is to simply keep the animal from escape without sedating or killing it. I later decided that I ought to have used a different design, preferably a fatal one, but it was too late by then.

The moment I was alerted to the trap’s having been sprung, I exited my room. (By the way, Tolliver, it was approximately 2:00 A.M. Is it natural for any animal to be active at that time? I’ve already had the creature checked for rabies, of course, but am curious what feline disorders manifest themselves through insomnia.) I made my way cautiously down the hallway and was honestly thrilled to discover that the trap had worked as advertised, though the beast was making a horrid racket. The noise emitting from the trap caused me to mistrust the evidence that my security cameras had provided; I was quite certain for a moment that I had not captured a house cat, but rather the Beast of Exmoor or some such animal. Then, of course, I moved around to the front and got a proper look at it. It was actually quite scrawny and very small.

Not knowing what exactly should be done to pacify the creature, I hurriedly procured more blue marlin and fed the horrid beast with the help of a pair of gently used kitchen tongs. Using my intimate knowledge of psychology, I assigned a name to the animal that referred to a small white marking on its forehead: a vaguely star-shaped blotch, barely off-center to the right. As I happen to know, although you seem to be sadly unaware of this fact, it is extremely disconcerting to hear oneself referred to as a sort of food or beverage. Therefore, I did not call the feline “Vanilla” or “Milky” or “Messy Bit of Flour”. Instead I gave it a very proper, decent name that I’m sure it would be quite proud of, were it sentient. I just bet you’d like to know what it was.

-I.A.K.

.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala Rubin…

It’s nice to know that you’ve solved that problem, Ian (although Saladin’s favorite food is red snapper – no wonder he’s narrowing his eyes at the screen disapprovingly as I type this). Seems like you sort of overkilled with that bear trap, but if it works for you, okay. And no, I’m not really interested in what you named it…

Anyways, good luck with the newest addition to the Kabra family, and please stop spamming my high-priority inbox with cat news now!

-Evan

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skala R…

I didn’t name it, I simply referred to it as “Lily” in order to pacify it so that it wouldn’t rip through the trap and maul me severely. Anyways, it’s not “the newest addition to the Kabra family”. I’ll have you know that the moment the butler removed it from his head, I had him toss it down the trash chute – the one that leads to the incinerator. Kabras don’t keep pets, Tolliver – only an outsider like you would entertain such an ide[p0o[okgtnj 4938nfvbnfg aewefasd asoj123ecfv ,,/l;p;’l[///

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at Skal…

Don’t you dare insinuate that that was the beast stepping on my keyboard – ha, the idea! For your information, I am exercising reverse psychology on you. The animal was toast hours ago.

-I.A.K.

.

**To:** Ian Kabra

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity at …

…Suuure.

Saladin says “meow” to Lily. :)

-Evan

.

**To:** Evan Tolliver

**From:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Possible Vesper activity …

Don’t be so ridiculously sentimental, Tolliver. 

-I.A.K.

P.S. …I’ll tell her he said hello.


End file.
